Living In Gratitude: Awe & Wonder

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Create experiences that leave you in awe, for those will be the highlights of your life.

-Ryan Blair

Awe and wonder, two words often used interchangeably, are integral to the human experience. These experiences are the places we go, says Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart, when “it’s beyond us,” when something is vast and expansive yet offers a sense of connectedness.

Though wonder and awe are similar, they cultivate ever so slightly different emotions.

Wonder is defined as “the rapt attention and deep emotion caused by something extraordinary.”

Awe is “the feeling we get in the presence of something vast that challenges our understanding of the world.”

Researchers Ulrich Weger and Johannes Wagemann characterize these two emotions in a slightly different way. “Wonder inspires the wish to understand. Awe inspires the desire to let shine, to acknowledge and unite.”

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Living In Gratitude: Self-Compassion

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Self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism because its driving force is love, not fear.

– Kristin Neff

A pioneer in self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff has researched this trait for over 20 years. In her most recent book, Fierce Self-Compassion, she discusses the duality of self-compassion as equal parts tenderness and fierceness.

Self-compassion extends kindness and understanding to oneself in situations of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Self-compassion is positive, rewarding, and intrinsically energizing. By opening our hearts, we open up to an infinite abundance of compassion. The more it flows inward, the more it can flow outward, explains Neff.

Tender self-compassion helps us to be kind and gentle to ourselves. It guides us to the realization that we are only human, that we are bound to make mistakes, to encounter failure and setbacks. 

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Living In Gratitude: Grateful Leaders

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Gratitude is not a limited resource, nor is it costly. It is as abundant as air. We breathe it in but forget to exhale.

– Marshall Goldsmith

Being appreciated is correlated with increased performance and engagement at work. Yet, 59% of employees state they’ve never had a manager who “truly appreciated” them, and 53% said they would stay longer at their place of employment if they felt their work was more appreciated.

So, if people like and want to be appreciated, why aren’t more managers expressing gratitude for their employees?

A 2018 study might explain part of the issue. Researchers ask people to write letters of appreciation and then predict how that letter would be received. The researchers then asked the recipients how they felt after reading the letter.

The letter writers dramatically underestimated the positive impact their letter would have and also believed that the recipients would feel awkward about receiving such a letter.

A recent HBR article discusses the outcomes of research conducted around power positions and the expression of gratitude.

They wanted to answer the questions:

Does having power (e.g., being a manager or executive) influence feelings and expressions of gratitude? If so, why?

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Living In Gratitude: Great Expectations

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Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

– Anne Lamott

Our expectations determine our experience. And more often than not, reality doesn’t live up to our expectations.

By definition, expectations are the hope of what may be.

We expect to lose 15 pounds, get that big promotion, ace that exam, or make a certain salary.

We expect our spouse/partner to make dinner, notice the dirty countertop, or cheer us on while running a marathon.

We expect our coworker to be detail-oriented, inquire about our weekend, or volunteer to help with an important project.

We expect our manager to express appreciation for our exemplary work and provide helpful constructive feedback.

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Living In Gratitude: How We Converse-It’s More Than Meets the Ear

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Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, and it was so easy and fun? When it was over, you walked away thinking, “Wow! What a great conversation!” How about exchanges that feel awkward, or maybe you felt misunderstood and frustrated?

Communication is an essential part of life. We communicate with family, friends, strangers, coworkers, and so many others. 

We share information, solve problems, agree on a course of action, and socialize through communication.

Yet so often, because of different styles of communicating, our meaning and intention may be lost or misinterpreted by others, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, conflict.

American author and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, Deborah Tannen, writes about these style differences. We all have different ways we communicate that are forged from our culture, gender, socialization, and geography, to name a few of our conversational influences.

Conversational styles are personal and unpredictable, states Tannen, but typically men and women have different ways of achieving outcomes when it comes to communicating. 

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Living In Gratitude: Celebrate the Goodness

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Brené Brown recently published Atlas of the Heart, a compendium of 87 key human emotions. Chapter 11 entitled Places We Go When Life Is Good, delves into a multitude of emotions, including joy, happiness, calm, contentment, and gratitude.

Besides being a best-selling author, Brené is a successful podcaster, professor, and lecturer. She is best known for her extensive research on shame, vulnerability, fear, and leadership, and she has an incredibly popular 2010 TED Talk on vulnerability. Her Netflix special, A Call to Courage, is also powerfully insightful. Both are worth watching.

Here’s what she has to say about gratitude in Atlas of the Heart:

“There is overwhelming evidence that gratitude is good for us physically, emotionally, and mentally. There’s research that shows that gratitude is correlated with better sleep, increased creativity, decreased entitlement, decreased hostility and aggression, increased decision-making skills, decreased blood pressure–the list goes on.”

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Living In Gratitude: Completing the Stress Cycle

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Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes- including you.

– Anne Lamott

Stress is a common experience. We encounter stress at work, at home, in our social lives, and relationships.

As defined by socratic.org, stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances, whereas stressors are the factors that cause stress.

In the book, Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, reveal that removing the stressor doesn’t negate the stress. To alleviate or mitigate the stress we feel in our mind and body, we have to move through the emotional stress cycle.

This insight is valuable because there are often stressors in our lives over which we have no control.

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Living in Gratitude: The Heart & Mind of Gratitude

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An article authored in 2019 by Arjun Walla shared some interesting scientific information backing what we always knew: gratitude literally impacts us on a molecular level.

According to the article, scientists have discovered that feelings of gratitude can actually change your heart and brain. Feeling gratitude can help overcome depression and anxiety. Furthermore, scientists have discovered that the heart sends signals to the brain, and not just the other way around.

Says Walla, happiness is a matter of perspective, and in a world where we are constantly made to feel like we are lacking and always ‘wanting’ more, it can be difficult to achieve or experience actual happiness. Many of us look toward external factors to experience joy and happiness when really it’s all related to internal work. This is something science is just starting to grasp as well, as shown by research coming out of UCLA’s Mindfulness Awareness Research Center (MARC).

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Living In Gratitude: Be Thankful

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“Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire.

If you did, what would there be to look forward?

Be thankful when you don’t know something,

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

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Living in Gratitude: The Power of Intentionality

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Our intention creates reality.

– Wayne Dyer

Studies have proven that happy, successful individuals have a set routine and habits that keep them focused. One of these practices is taking time each morning to set a daily intention.

Harvard Business School Professor and author Francesca Gino, has conducted considerable research on the science of intentions. She says that setting daily intentions creates a ritual that moves people toward accomplishing their goals. by increasing self-discipline and self-control. And, when we commit those intentions to paper, not only do we remember them, we set ourselves up for action.

Practicing intentionality helps alleviate stress, creating a feeling of inner peace and assuredness that provides a fresh perspective. An intention is simply a promise we make to ourself. Setting aside time to contemplate our purpose for the day ahead allows for the opportunity to collect our thoughts and make a commitment regarding what we want to achieve. It is also about thoughtfully stepping into our attitude and behavior. This positive intention can involve our health and wellbeing, self-care, our career, education, hobbies, social activities, family time. 

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Living In Gratitude: You Are Enough

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Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love – you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Every person has value yet we seek validation from others to prove that we have worth.

We need outsiders to tell us that we are intelligent, funny, attractive, talented, brave, successful, important…the list goes on.

By placing your worth in the hands of outsiders, you will be obligated to return to them time and again every time you need validation.

Why is it that we believe these words from others but not from ourselves? Our “inside voice” is more likely to criticize and condemn, to tell us that we aren’t enough.

This simply isn’t true.

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Living In Gratitude: Investing in Appreciation

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When it comes to relationships, be it friends, coworkers, parents and children, siblings, life partners/spouses, and even the relationship with yourself, one ‘stock’ you should invest heavily in is appreciation. There truly is no such thing as expressing too much gratitude for the essential people in your life.

The greatest need of every human being is the need for appreciation.

~ Unknown

Sincere appreciation expressed in any relationship is equivalent to a substantial deposit into the bank account of that partnership. It builds wealth and a sturdy foundation. Along with attention and affection, it’s part of the trifecta for relating to others.

This wealth-building appreciation must be heartfelt. When gratitude comes from your heart, it opens you up to see and understand another person’s point of view, even when it is fundamentality different from your own. It is the kind of appreciation that notices another person’s strengths and acknowledges them out loud and with pride; the type of appreciation that’s built on respect and that treasure’s another person’s value and worth.

When we receive appreciation from someone, we are grateful, and we then sincerely appreciate them in return. That’s where the power and beauty of gratitude lies. That’s why appreciation can make all the difference between a relationship that’s withering and one that’s full of life.

When we give someone the gift of recognizing their strengths, it motivates them to live up to our positive perceptions. What you praise (from your heart!) grows.

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Living In Gratitude: Think Again

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“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open.” – Ralph Marston

As humans, we like to feel that the ideas, beliefs, and opinions we hold are correct – and those opposing views of others are wrong.

We can often find the error in the ideas other people hold and feel driven to help them rethink their opinions. Still, we are much less inclined to realize that we, too, may benefit from letting go of our attachment to being right, opening our minds to new perspectives, knowledge, and insights so we can rethink and unlearn.

That is what the book, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant is all about. 

Grant suggests that we gravitate toward three distinct styles of communicating what we think we know.

  1. The Preacher: delivering sermons to protect sacred beliefs
  2. The Prosecutor: determined to prove other people’s reasoning is faulty and incorrect
  3. The Politician: campaigns and lobbies to win people over to their side of an argument
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Living In Gratitude: Mental Load

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In most relationships – even modern, progressive ones – one person typically spends more time doing most of the thinking work or what’s known as carrying the mental load.

Mental load is a term that refers to the invisible work done to manage and oversee a household and family. 

Known for his research on relationships, Dr. John Gottman discovered a “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions in every relationship. Five or more expressions of appreciation for every negative interaction keep a relationship strong.

Since the mental load is unseen by others, the time, effort, and energy of managing this ongoing work goes unnoticed and unappreciated. This lack of gratitude can unbalance the “magic ratio,” resulting in a build-up of resentment and frustration.

A study published in the American Sociological Review describes mental load as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress.”

Being responsible for this mental or cognitive load is a lot of work. It entails keeping comprehensive lists of what needs done, all of the various steps to achieve each task, doing or delegating each task, and ensuring completion of each. 

In a recent episode of the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast with Glennon Doyle, mental load was likened to carrying a heavy backpack around that no one else in your family can see.

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Living In Gratitude: What is Grateful Living?

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Grateful living is important in the world because, in our constant pursuit of more and better, we can easily lose sight of the riches that lay right in front of us and within us. ~ Guri Mehta

Imagine walking on a beach just before sunset. The sand is silky and warm as it slides gently between your toes. A mild breeze arises, caressing your face and gently ruffling your hair. You inhale deeply, feeling the cool salt air fill your lungs as the clouds explode in a riot of pink, orange, and purple. Waves make fingers of foam on the sand that reach out to lovingly tickle your toes. A slight smile curls your lips as you take it all in – the air, the sand, the vibrant sky, the soothing sound of the waves – and exhale gratitude.

Grateful living is moving through every day in an ever-present, thoughtful manner. It’s noticing the abundance that surrounds us and mindfully being appreciative rather than taking things for granted or (un)consciously dismissing the beauty and blessings in life.

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Living In Gratitude: Self-Perception

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Self-perception is, simply put, how we view ourselves. This lens through which we view everything influences our mood, behavior, attitude, beliefs, and judgment. Suppose we hold a primarily positive view of ourselves. In that case, this spills over into how we view the world, becoming cyclical as it leads to even more positive behaviors, habits, and ideas.

Self-perception is a core component of our identity. When we achieve something like a degree, promotion, or other accomplishments, our confidence and perception of ourselves are boosted. 

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Living in Gratitude-7 Types of Rest

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Did you know that sleep and rest are not the same thing? 

Many of us believe we are rested when we’ve gotten a good night’s sleep — but there are other types of rest we need and are desperately lacking. Many of us are enduring a rest deficiency because of the “constantly busy” culture that makes us believe we have to produce and achieve 24/7. Downtime of any sort isn’t “socially” acceptable. And if we do take time to truly rest and relax, we often are left feeling guilty.

The result? A whole lot of constantly tired and chronically burned-out people. 

Our society doesn’t realize and recognize the power of rest. Rest is about rejuvenation, not just sleep.

 An article on Ideas.Ted.com discussed the seven essential types of rest that every one of us requires.

Physical rest

This is the rest that immediately comes to mind, but it entails more than sleeping. Physical rest has two components. The first is passive, such as when we are sleeping or taking a nap. Active physical rest are times we engage in restorative practices such as yoga, getting a massage, or taking a leisurely walk. These activities improve flexibility and circulation.

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Living in Gratitude: Younger Podcast

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Recently, I was interviewed about the power of gratitude by Dr. Robyn Benson on Younger: The A.R.T. and Science of Youthful Aging podcast. The episode is called “Creating a Life of Joy Through Gratitude.”

I share how my gratitude journey began on a walk with my grandmother.

Since then, gratitude has been a grounding place for me, a way of life that I’ve chosen. Gratitude is available to everyone.

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Living In Gratitude: Compassion

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The human brain has a systematic process to assess information rapidly. Part of this includes taking in and immediately evaluating details presented to us. Most of the time, this data input is so fast that we don’t recognize that we are forming opinions and making snap judgments.

Every single day, we judge situations and people. We make assumptions and, dare we admit, jump to conclusions.

Having compassion for ourselves and others evokes a different response. Compassion requires awareness of our judgmental thoughts and preconceived ideas. It asks for genuine concern and empathy for the plight of others.

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Living In Gratitude: Comparison is a Thief of Joy

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Comparison is the thief of joy.

-Theodore Roosevelt

Humans use social comparison to determine our social and personal worth. We do this by consciously and subconsciously continually evaluating our attractiveness, wealth, intelligence, occupation, status, success, etc., against others. 

American social psychologist Leon Festinger is credited with the social comparison theory. He proposed that people constantly seek honest self-evaluations and compare themselves to others to gain a better sense of themselves and where they are in their lives.

In these situations, people typically compare themselves to someone who has at least one major characteristic they have in common. We begin applying social comparisons at a very early age to help construct our sense of identity.

There are two types of comparisons: upward and downward.

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